The Sacred Relationship

This week’s topic emerges from my conversations with clients about the relationship that we, as human beings, have with our thinking.

In Theory

The whole notion that our thoughts are our own, that they have an almost tangible form to them, is pivotal to how we make sense of the world we live in; from the horizon and the rising and setting of the sun, to the way people are talking to us, to the potholes in the roads, to a delicate fragrance or the taste of a lemon, to a hug or a kiss, to our fears or worries, to our work or play, and so on … it is the endless list of experience.

We rely on our senses to provide us with the raw data – and that includes ALL our senses, not just the usual five. The phrase “the sixth sense” reminds us that, in our culture at least, we most times just have an awareness of THE five senses.
Yet there are others such as time, balance, humour, even awareness itself, leading us all towards “the big one” … SELF.

Our sense of self, our sentience, is the overarching umbrella sense of all the others. It takes all the raw data provided by all the other senses and processes the data.
And how it processes the data determines how we experience the reality of the world, and our place in it. And this entire processing faculty is driven by the power of Thought.

The difference between “your world” and “my world” – what differentiates your experience from mine – is embedded in the how of our thought processes.

All our individual HOWs are part of the relationship that each of us has with our own Thinking.   

Now “your world” and “my world” may bear some resemblance to the “true world” – yet we’d both agree that “our worlds” are not the “only worlds.”

Except when we Don’t!

When THAT happens then the scenario is that “My View of the World” is right and yours (or theirs) is wrong.

All of this is just Thought driven of course – and is merely the difference between what is produced by the HOW of your Thought Processes and what is produced by the HOW of my Thought Processes.

It is The Sacred Relationship we all have with our Thinking.

It is that relationship that helps us to answer the question, “What is it like TO BE?”

It is also that relationship that distorts THE world the more we believe our thinking.
And the more we believe OUR thinking to be RIGHT, the more our mind is set in that one place. Set there, in stone, until we CHANGE our mind.

The moment that we change our mind, about anything, is the moment that Sacred Relationship is tweaked and morphs into something (even only slightly) different.

We sometimes process that change, by getting shown from externally sourced data. We might call this “learning.”
We sometimes process that change, by getting shown from internally sourced data.
We might call this “intuition” or “wisdom.”

Yet we can only ever change our mind, about anything, if we allow our mind to first be open – to permit ourselves to be “shown.” A closed mind can never change.

To understand the Inside-Out nature of reality, is to have an open mind.

We also need to relieve ourselves of the pressures we place on our human frailty – by acknowledging that in our minds there will be those moments of temporary closure. There is always the reset button that will open our minds once again.

In Practice

In a practical sense, this is what happened for a client who I had worked with earlier this year for her fear of flying. 

She had an open mind – and in our conversations she changed her perceptions by having some light thrown upon that fear. She processed that change from both the externally sourced data as illuminated by me, and from internally sourced data from her own intuition. 

She “got” what I was saying about her fear of flying. She got a felt sense of the change. We both questioned the evidence of that felt sense, and she was reassured by that questioning and testing of the evidence. She maintained her open-mindedness.

I checked with her a few days later and she was still of the same (open) mind. I wished her well in the anticipated experience of her upcoming flights.

Just this week I checked in with her again, to find out how things had been.
She reported that everything was good and that she was looking forward to further flights next month.
She ALSO reported that she had experienced some frailty, in the moment. The moment was a period of air turbulence on one of the flights – where the stimulus had caused her to follow her previously held pattern of response. She had the sensations of the onset of a panic attack.

Part of the work we had done – which I’ll describe again as her “learning” from externally sourced data – was for her to have resources to point her (in the moment) to that RESET button.
She didn’t freeze, nor was she caught like a rabbit in headlights. She used the resources and alleviated her experience. She “saw” where the RESET button was, hit it, and returned to the grounded state she had been in prior to the ‘plane encountering the air turbulence.

Conclusion

We can all understand theory, because we are thinking creatures, imbued with the facility to gain knowledge through varieties of cognitive logical thought processes.

Yet, amusingly, this quote often applies -
“In theory there is no difference between theory and practice – in practice there is!”

Except when it doesn’t, when we understand the Inside-Out nature of reality enough to trust the fusion of our intuition with our learning.

My client trusted her understanding enough to deal with her stimulated sensations in the practical moment they were happening, and not just in the theory moment when we were talking together in our one session.

You could say her outcomes were sensational!

Client of The Week

It’s early Wednesday morning – and yet have I already worked with my “client of the week?”
Well, normally I’d say it’s best to wait until late on Sunday before making that judgement – however there are those “golden clients” who you meet for the first time and your mutual interactions unfold into a succession of closely packed jaw-dropping moments!
Something aligns their mind to yours, they understand your “lingo” right out of the gate, they follow your advice and discover the hidden ability they always had – but never knew they had. Suddenly the fledgling in your hand is taking flight …

Coach or Therapist

I’m a shade lucky, to be fair, in that - as both a coach and a therapist – I have clients in the age range 5 – 75. Most of my coaching is with the younger end of the spectrum, and most of the therapy is with the Over 35s!

However, the cross-over area between coach and therapist is surprisingly vague and undefined – like how the colours in a rainbow merge one with the next. Some of my therapy work is coaching – and some of my coaching is therapeutic. Plus, coaching children is, for me anyway, a kind of Pre-therapy!

Helping them get and feel a sense of achievement; improving their confidence and self-confidence; building their self-esteem; getting them to appreciate – in an autotelic way - the love and joy of sporting activity for something just in and of itself; improving their health and fitness, body image and sense of wellbeing; etc.
The pre-therapy list goes on!

Why do I say pre-therapy?

Well, when children are armed with all the things I’ve listed above, they become more rounded and grounded; plus, there’s less of a likelihood they’ll need some therapeutic expertise when they reach 35+.

Working with my “Client of the Week”

He arrived at one of my After-School Cricket Clubs saying,
“I can’t bowl. I’m not very good at it,” as an opening statement.

I hear words like this quite often – both from sporting AND therapy clients; they are telling me about their view of themselves.
“Ok,” I said. “Just bowl some balls and then we’ll have a look at how that’s happening, and seeing what we might change, for you.”

I saw a young lad who bowled off the wrong foot, lost his balance in delivery, released the ball out of the side of his hand with a weak wrist, was not focussed on his target, and had a quirky and inconsistent run-up.
He did, however, have the bowler’s number 1 pre-requisite technical ability – a straight arm. Great!

The other, and perhaps most encouraging, pre-requisite from both our perspectives was this:-
He was eminently “coachable”. By this I mean he listened 100% and enabled his body to execute what he heard through my instruction.

Within 10 – 15 minutes he had ironed out all the quirks and inconsistencies he showed at the start and was landing the ball where he wanted instead of it happening by chance.
This was rapid change, to be honest – and it continued when he started batting.

Once again, after minimal repeats of showing him more effective ways of standing, holding the bat, watching and striking the ball, he transformed his raw, random and ‘quirkful’ technique into something generative, improving and successful!

We ended our Club session with throwing balls in a “crossbar challenge.”
He excelled at this too and without any instruction, which left me both enthused and rewarded.

Conclusion

He was, without doubt, my client of the week – maybe of the month, or the year? Who knows?

That is what makes my job such a rewarding one. I never know who is going to rock up … NEXT?

Blind Spots

Pheasant

I was driving a road on Exmoor recently when a pheasant hove into view on the road in front of me. Now these rather scatty birds have a brain to weight ratio of at least 1:100, and they have no sense of the Highway Code! Here in my neck of the woods, they are the majority of roadkill victims – given their propensity to run towards rather than away from motor vehicles.
This particular one seemed bent on survival, however, and stayed into the hedge on the nearside of my car. Until, that was, I’d almost passed it. Whereupon, in almost vertical take-off mode, it flew into the wing mirror – smashing the mirror, the plastic casing and everything. I pulled in and dismantled the remaining pieces, so I could continue my journey without the loose and damaged bits banging against the door.
Grrrr!

Blind Spots

Almost immediately I discovered, that driving on certain roads sans nearside wing mirror, can be a real challenge. For, as drivers, we know we already have a number of blind spots in our 360 deg visibility which can be coped with somewhat, but never entirely satisfactorily. 

It is the multi-lane highways that are the real issue – for now the only way to see what is nearby on the lane(s) inside the one I’m driving in, involves my looking over my left shoulder. And motorways are the worst, since there are those drivers that overtake on the inside as well as the outside!
Grrrr!

Life’s Highways

As is often the way, our driving experiences have a number of metaphorical parallels with how we journey along Life’s Highways. The potholes we encounter, the rough and uneven surfaces, the punctures, the running out of fuel, trying to get out of second gear, swerving to avoid peasants and pheasants, getting stuck in traffic, losing our way – the out of date maps – having no signal – losing our bearings – even losing our marbles!

And now, here, is another metaphor for how we might find ourselves lacking, or under pressure, in dealing with the things that the rocky road of Life throws at us.

The blind spots in our mental resources.

To my mind, our greatest resource is in understanding how we make up our experience – moment to moment. Understanding how our perceptual apparatus processes millions of bits of data coming in through our sensual gateways by predicting and paring that huge number - down to something more like 132.  Understanding the thought processes that go into all this, in microseconds, AND understanding also, the part played in all this by our memories, our beliefs and our previous experiences.

Yet, because we are only human, this amazing resource is also riddled with blind spots. Blind spots sometimes so vast, that they can lead to our complete and utter mis-Understanding of pretty much everything – moment to moment.

Apparently, there is a surge in “Flat Earth” believers at the moment. This is astonishing, given all the evidence both scientific AND photographic, that disproves that notion. These folks have a blind spot in their belief structure, that plays out a different perceptual tune in their lives.

And although this might seem an outrageous example to use, there will be parts of our perceptual lives - our view of the world and how it works and how we make up our experience – that are equally way off kilter. Moment to moment.

We are all, in a fashion similar to the Flat Earthists, equally duped by the illusions of our thinking, from time to time.

We are subject to mental Blind Spots – caused by the illusions of our Thinking.

When I’m driving with the Understanding that I have a huge blind spot caused by the lack of a wing mirror, I know the steps I need to take, in order to predict with a degree of sureness that there is no vehicle nearby on the lane inside of me.

If I think I DON’T need to take those steps, then I’m driving in a state of illusion – guessing, even hoping, there is nothing there to crash into. I’m as dumb, dare I say, as the pheasant.

Perceptual blindnesses, as well as perceptual distortions, are everywhere – with how we process our sensual data input, as well as with how we process our own thinking.

Plus – as we know, though perhaps don’t always understand, ALL our feelings come from our Thinking, moment to moment.

And so, this is how it is, and how we are – from time to time. We will believe our Thinking, and be seduced by the illusions we notice, and then feel. And we may colour our lives in such a way – and then believe that SQUARE A (as illustrated) is a different colour to SQUARE B.

Which of course it isn’t!

And if we are Flat Earthists, then we’ll believe all our Thinking associated with that entire subject. And if we believe we can’t do something, then we’ll prove that belief to ourselves -
By experience – if we’re adamant.
By denial – if we are adamant yet get proved wrong.
By excuse – if we’re agreeably surprised that we’ve been proved wrong.

Yet if we believe we CAN do something, or we are curious and open to the possibility that we might be able to do something …

Well, the world is now a different place!

Are you aware, yet, of the blind spots in your Life? Would having a better all-round, 360 degs of, perceptual surety be useful for you … going forward?
The best thing we can do for ourselves, to combat the pitfalls caused by our Blind Spots, is to actually Understand that we HAVE Blind Spots. And, in my case, it is to get myself a replacement wing mirror so that I can see what’s on the inside lane without having to take my eyes off the road in order to look over my left shoulder!

Blackberries

Have you ever been blackberrying?

To be fair, most of us have at some stage in our lives. It’s one of those activities that starts out with smudged fingers, and the occasional collision with a thorn. And ends up in a delicious hot crumble back home, garnished with custard, clotted cream or maybe ice cream – or maybe a combination of all three.

Of course if, like me, you really enjoy nature’s seasonal bounty, then you’ll have discovered that in the more public places where brambles dare to grow, there’s always been someone there before you. The lower-lying fruit have all been picked, and now only the smaller ripe ones remain – along with the little unripe cerise, pink and still green bullets. The rich pickings are now out of reach to us mere mortals and are only available to those well over 6ft tall, or the enterprising folk who bring a step ladder to their harvesting.

There’s going to be the need for a more daring approach if we want to go home with a container full of these remaining bigger, juicier fellows. 

More fruit – less husk!

People and Privilege

I'm just really grateful that I'm privileged enough to know some awesome and amazing people. These are the self-same people I've stood on the shoulders of, in order to reach some of the richer fruit higher up the tree I call knowledge.

Of course these wonderful people have facilitated my action; they have enabled me to reach that fruit – because very few people go around permanently with a step ladder to hand, to enable an elevated status for their fruit picking. 

There is an undeniable truth in life that “No Man is an Island” – and we need each other to get the best out of life, for sure. Even the hermit, who has written the definitive book on his status – “The Essence of Hermitry – a Qualitative Analysis” – will need a printer, a publisher, a distributor, some retail outlets, an amazon or two, and a large circle of book-buying buddies. Which is why hermits don’t write books, of course … they just mind their own business.

So, to get back to me, people and privilege – like that –

Why have I used the word Privilege, in this context?
Why do I view the knowing of these people – or indeed any people for that matter – a privilege? Was it because I was born with a silver tongue in my mouth? Am I the son of the richest-ripe-alpha-blackberry that attracts every fruit fly within miles?

No!

I was brutally shy – probably still am, if you rub the veneer down to the quick.
So “Please, Mister … !” was never going to cut any ice with my desire to get a leg-up to the higher echelons of the tree. Doors were always closed, it seemed – except to the privileged few.

And then I took a long hard look at the entire domain I’d labelled up as …

Privilege.

What if’s began to emerge from the mists – and doors began to appear in the walls where no doors had been. I read books and watched videos – for knowledgeable content; I studied closely those successful people who inspired me – first by watching and listening, and then by copying and modelling.

And then I took a leap of faith and resolved to meet, greet, talk with, and ask questions of … those inspiring people.

In taking that leap I became familiar with the other side of Shyness. I made an awesome discovery whilst doing this … I discovered the inspiring people were just as ordinary as I was, and that they too had become familiar with the other side of Shyness.

And here’s the thing:
On the other side of Shyness I found I was holding hands with Privilege.

I hadn’t just found Privilege, it was walking hand in hand with me – little me! Privilege was now my friend, my companion, and I found myself being elevated to pick those rich and juicy blackberries high up on the hill of brambles.

Was I lucky? Was I born with it? – NO!
Had I earned it? Did I embrace it? – YES!

For this, and for the giants on whose shoulders I have stood, and continue to stand, I am eternally grateful. I found my Privilege.

And now, I can enjoy endless crumbles!