Chopsticks

My ethnicity is British – so, although I started out like all human babies by using my hands as utensils, I was taught to eat ‘properly’ with knife, fork and spoon. That methodology applied for all food, including oriental cuisine, so dexterity with chopsticks was a million miles away from my capabilities – and an experiential proven!
 

Capabilities

Alongside knowledge, expertise and dexterity, one of the things we also model and learn in childhood, is our ability NOT to be able to do things.
This starts with pre-supposed judgements, which we either hear other people saying, or we hear it said to or about others, or – most pernicious of all – we hear it said to and about US. These are phrases such as:-
“Girls can’t do those sorts of things,” or “That’s not the sort of thing Boys do,” also “YOU couldn’t possibly do anything like that,” and “That’s too difficult for you to accomplish.”

Now some of us are fortunate enough to grow up in an environment where anyone and everyone is capable of doing anything and everything – which is absolutely wonderful, of course. It is liberating for us, at a time in our lives when we have no idea what liberating means for us and our future. In many ways I would say I was one of those ‘fortunati’ – which included travelling and living in foreign places. This resulted in a degree of familiarity with foreign cuisine - however, my parents were still judgementally old school in terms of using chopsticks. I’m sure they viewed them as being strictly for the Orientals, who would have learnt how to use them from their childhood. The view that ordinary Westerners (such as us) could never master using such complicated “eating irons” prevailed, so we all stuck with the good old comfortable convention of knife-fork-spoon.

Attitudes

Alongside knowledge, expertise, dexterity and limited capabilities, another of the things we also model and learn in childhood, is our attitudes.
Whilst some of these are inherently and innately our own, most of them start with pre-supposed judgements, which we either hear other people saying, or we hear it said to or about others.

The child’s mind is a sponge for everything, as we know.
In my youth, one of the by-products of that timeworn phrase “children should be seen and not heard” was a heightened absorption of attitudes – and prejudices - from revered adults. Out of respect, nothing from those sources was EVER questioned.
Nowadays, the nature of the bombardment that same Mind Sponge undergoes is quite different. The attitudes are much broader based, and I would say – if anything – that the level of bombardment is far, far more extensive AND relentless.
In the midst of all this bombardment, and the acceptance of far more ideas and attitudes from outside of our close family circle, there is still that due reverence afforded to our greatest influencers.

Yet however reverently we might view those who have influenced our lives in some way, shape or form, there always comes that moment when our reverence and respect is severely tested.

When I first played club rugby I had the highest regard for our coach. Although his role with us was voluntary, he had coached some schoolboy internationals and was well known at that level. For him to be our coach was a real privilege and, to be honest, many of us would have jumped off a cliff for him. He was certainly a catalyst and a role model in my first becoming a coach.
However, he was old school, and had the view rugby and cricket (my two major sports) were definitely not sports for women and girls. When I discovered this recently I had quite a vehement and heated argument with him – as this view is totally out of keeping with my own.
I don’t think any less of him in terms of the inspiration he gave me – however, I was thankful I didn’t model his entire range of views.

 Accepting what’s on our plate

The whole idea of blindly accepting other people’s views, beliefs, prejudices and opinions seems an anathema to us as adults – and yet as children, teenagers and even young adults, we willingly accept many things we should dismiss or, at least, question.

I can remember talking to an extremely successful and high-flying businessman regarding his relationship with food – which was not working very well for him. He had some fairly strict ideas around what should properly happen “at table” – and one of these was to finish whatever was on his plate.  For him it wasn’t just bad manners, it was one of those forbiddens.
I asked him, “Do you make your children finish what’s on their plate, then?” He nodded, but when I added, “So do you feel you’re quite strict with them?” he said that he looked to his wife to run the discipline in those areas, as a rule.

I pursued this topic a little more and discovered that his own father HAD been a strict disciplinarian and that his own compulsion to always finish whatever was on his plate – in spite of who had put it there – was down to childhood efforts to not get into trouble with his Dad. When I asked what would have happened if he had stood his ground and left something on his plate, it was clear that compliance WAS the only option.
Of course, his ability – as an extremely successful businessman in his forties – to only eat as much from his plate as HE WANTED, was severely compromised by the continued childhood strategy to avoid incurring the wrath of his father.

In the normal course of events, we are never as adults obliged to do anything we do not want to do. Yet – we do such things all the time!

 

The CAN’T Range of Designer Inner Clothing

I often talk to clients about the couldn’t, shouldn’t and wouldn’t aspects of their lives, and from where, what and how these have been sourced. And it is here where I talk to them about Cant, Can’t and Mental Clothing!

The definition of Cant is hypocritical and sanctimonious talk.
The best way to divest cant of its clothing of credibility or respectability is to challenge it and question it. Cant often melts in the face of such a challenge – and if you have ever encountered purveyors of cant, then you’ll know how to undermine their sanctimony!

Similarly with Can’t, mental clothing and the whole designer range of Can’t Clothing that we assemble for ourselves - it is only real and present in our lives because we have never challenged or questioned any of it. And here I mean challenging in the style of:
“Why can’t I do that? What or who says I can’t? If I am capable of doing anything, then I’m certainly capable of doing THAT!”

So the mindset that we build around anything, especially in terms of our capabilities and attitudes, is really all about those childhood models that we’ve played out and carried forward into our adult lives.
“I want to do X, but I don’t think I’d be able to manage that,” deserves to be challenged with at least a WHY NOT? If we don’t do that then we’ll find ourselves carrying out the same strategic behaviour over and over again, in many areas of our lives. The clothing of can’t becomes very comfortable to wear, like a favourite shirt, or old shoes.

I’m a great believer in the notion that we are ALL capable of far, far more than we’ll probably ever allow ourselves to know. I’m also a firm believer that we are ALL capable of learning how to do things very quickly as well! I’ve seen it happen, and I’ve seen it in action.

The trouble is that if we have a lot of Can’t Clothing hanging in our wardrobe, then we obviously like to wear it. So we quickly cover up the nakedness of our capabilities with the Clothing of Can’t. And with Can’t here I’ll also add in “find it difficult” and “struggle to do that” – both which are timeworn phrases that we keep in our wardrobe of Can’t.

Chopsticks

My first eventual encounter with attempting to use chopsticks in a Chinese restaurant was typically comical and cack-handed. Before I’d reached a level of even childish competence, my food was chilling rapidly, and so I abandoned the chopsticks for fork and spoon and quickly gobbled the tepid contents of my plate.
Did I finish everything that was on my plate?
Well I was well brought up to respect the hungry and the starving, so I expect I finished what was on the plate, in spite of it having gone unpalatably cold.

Since then and up until last week I can honestly say that the number of encounters I’ve had with chopsticks usage, in my lifetime, have been less than on the fingers of one hand – and I’ll leave you to decide whether that was my left hand or the cack hand I used to hold the wooden implements!

The Emperor’s New Clothes

Early January:
It’s that time of year when people feel driven to make changes in their lives, setting themselves upon pathways of personal improvement armed with new resolve.

In terms of our capabilities and attitudes this is always a challenge – for we know that we will need to divest ourselves from our comfortable and reassuring Can’t Clothing. We are told we will need to draw upon Will Power, and will have to have inner resources in order to achieve what we want for ourselves.

Of course stripping off and showing our naked capabilities to the world can be a chastening experience, yet liberating also. Needless to say, in the ravages of the climate we live in, we will feel exposed in our nakedness ...

Until the very moment we accept that our new self is SO much better than before. For it is then that we discover that wearing this New Clothing is much better than all that Designer Can’t that we used to wear. This new clothing is what we might call the Emperor range!

Now, whilst the Hans Christian Andersen story is couched in a different metaphorical frame, I’d invite you to consider the idea that all personal change – whether via New Year’s Resolutions, or personal resolve at any point in our calendar – is merely about examining the contents of our inner wardrobe and dressing ourselves for life in a different way.

 

Pad Tidings of Great Joy

Last week I was visiting family, and on Saturday we went out to a Thai Restaurant.
Unbeknownst to me, at a conscious level anyway, I was wearing Emperor Clothing rather than Can’t. As a result I was about to surprise myself and fellow companions at this particular repast.

I ordered Pad Thai, and after a period of time it duly arrived – complete with chopsticks, for the use of. Without any thought or consideration whatever I picked them up and tucked in. After some minutes “Get you with the chopsticks” was remarked upon, which I acknowledged with a modicum of diffidence. I was genuinely surprised at my unrehearsed and apparent expertise – especially given my previous and few cack handed experiences with said implements.

Where did I - seemingly - learn how to use them?
How had I practiced to reach this level of competence?

Well, I’ve seen enough film footage over the years, of people using chopsticks – so there’s been an amount of visible modelling that has been absorbed at an unconscious level.
And does this need practice? Well clearly the answer here is ‘no’, although the usual answer would most times be in the affirmative.

So here is another illustration of:-

a)      how we can acquire skills without any conscious realisation we have acquired them – and
b)      how we can liberate the conscious limitations upon the unconscious capabilities we have, and even liberate the ones we don’t even know we’ve got.

This explains a number of extraordinary occurrences in Performance Phenomena, where the freedom of the Mind facilitates a freedom in the Body. The restrictions of the inner clothing that we wear can be easily put aside; more easily than we might consciously realise too!

At the end of the day, I’m more inclined to just describe my Pad Thai encounter as being uplifting, liberating, fascinating and a great joy!